These Are Excerpts From A 4,000 Page Book I Wrote Before I met Jeanine:
I heard ALL GOIN' DOWN TOGETHER only twice on the radio in the Dells, but I couldn't believe the lyrics. I had wanted to be a politician and lawyer when I was in high school. Now I washed dishes at the minimum wage. I'm the kind of a guy that does any job the best he can, but my dreams were broken.
Now, on top of that, I seemed to have a mission and a strange relationship with the people in my life. Wasn't the world strange enough without God adding anything to it? I wondered, with the innane hurtful people in it, if God was going to take responsibility for the painful life he had given us. Was I sittin' in a puddle of mud or was I sittin' in a puddle of mud!?? And Michelle didn't have the vaguest. I felt, like the song says, that we couldn't get together no matter how much I wanted it to be because of the world situation and the situation I had been dealt.
ROCK THE BOAT was a song asking Michelle to rock the boat, but not tip it over. I didn't think that she knew what the song meant to me. I had come to the conclusion that I was on a totally different channel now and it had only taken two years to do it. Michelle was innocent, but in a position of obvious responsibility. How was I going to get the message across to her?! I had to tell her the stories of the coincidences, the clairvoyance about her, and the songs. I waited until October.
I headed out from Wisconsin Dells and took the bus.
When I got to her place, I knocked and Carol came to the door. I asked for Michelle. Carol said she'd be back shortly. I decided to wait outside, across the street, on the lawn.
In about a half hour, here comes Michelle, kind of stomping, walking extremely quickly, with two gentlemen trailing along behind her. She was almost ferocious in the way she stormed as she walked.
I had never observed her except at the Rafters dance hall and the Cell Block tavern in Wisconsin Rapids.
She seemed to be in a hurry to get away.
After she went up to her apartment, I waited to give her time before I went up.
I knocked.
Carol came to the door. I asked if Michelle was home. She said yes and let me in.
I walked into the living room and sat down.
Michelle suddenly got up from the divan, went to the stereo and put on Woodstock from the Déjà vu album by Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young:
I told her that whether she believes it or not, I was clairvoyant about her. I started to tell her that the world was made of opposites; positive and negative, good and bad, sweet and sour, Taurus and Aries, Man and Woman, and light and darkness. She asked me if she was the light or the darkness. I told her the truth that, in that kind of arrangement, I was the light and she was the darkness.
I asked her if she liked spiders. She made a face and said no. Then I said that I was a spider and I was going to wrap her in a web of song; Rock and Roll songs.
She got up again. This time she put on the song I'M A MAN by Chicago and then sat back down, putting a blanket and pillow between her legs. As I continued to explain what had happened down at Key West, she began cranking on the pillow between her legs and rolling her eyes, it seemed rather sexually and somewhat sarcastically stimulated, but I don't know what motivated her to do this. I thought she had to be either crazy or crazy about me. Here is I'M A MAN: The chorus goes 'I'm a man, yes I am, and I can't help but love you so. I didn't really know what she was trying to prove by playing it. Was it an invitation to love or was she trying to make a fool of me??'
With the loud music and her bizarre behavior, I kept talking but realized that she wasn't listening. I stuttered out the words, 'What are yo, yo, you doing?'. She became instantly crusty and spit out, 'Nothing.'.
'Then a group of college boys came in. I realized that she had called them before she let me in. I just got up and left. When I left, I bowed to her and her boys. She apparently wasn't even considering me from the outset.
Thinking back, She was just too nasty, bimboey, and bizarre to be conscious.
This is the first time I began to think there were predatory black consciousness robotoids in my life.
It appeared that Michelle was one of 'them.'
I walked around the town for a few hours trying to decide what the hell kind of woman I was dealing with. Was I supposed to enlighten that foolish woman??
I didn't have money to pay for a hotel room so I found a grassy field and slept there.
I woke up early in the morning, about 5:00 a.m. I hadn't slept very well, but had done a lot of thinking. I decided that I'd try something romantic. I went to Michelle's apartment again, only this time I didn't knock. I just walked in.
I immediately looked through her albums and picked the perfect song; EVIL WAYS by Santana from the live album with Buddy Miles.
Carol came home, saw me sitting in the living room, smiled, and went into Michelle's bedroom looking for Michelle. She came back into the living room fiercely and tried to throw me out. I stayed where I was. She said, 'What are you doing here!/#??*??! I told her that I had come to take Michelle to the Dells with me.
She went back and told Michelle. I remained in the living room. Michelle came out briefly in her bathrobe to look and she couldn't help smiling. She went back in the bedroom to get dressed. Soon some guys came into the living room and sat on the divan. Finally Michelle came out, dressed and ready. She was smiling. That's good, I thought.
She sat on the floor while Carol put on some music. I didn't know who's music it was, but when it came to the part where the guy says he loves her, underneath all the hullabaluh, she mouthed to me, 'I love you......'
I was astonished and offended that the other guys had been invited, probably to throw me out. I turned my head away in disgust. Michelle tapped her cigarette solidly in the ashtray and asked the guys to throw me out. I really didn't expect that sudden change of affairs. Perhaps I should have mouthed back to her the words 'I love you, too' but I was confused and hadn't expected that change of events. I'm a Taurus. My reactions are slow sometimes.
I said that it wasn't legal for the college boys to throw me out by force. The guys suggested that we all go down to the police station and find out. Michelle decided not to go, but at least with that argument I saved myself from taking a weak position about her.
We went down to the police station and asked a Captain Schmuck (That was his real name!) if it was alright to call on anyone other than the police to throw someone out of an apartment. He said that it was best to call the police.
On the way down to the police station I had met one of the guys long enough to remember his name; Ed Richardson. Ed and I
became quick friends. He became the mediator in Michelle's and my dispute. After the inquest at the police station, Ed told me to go back to Michelle's apartment and see her before I left. I thanked him and we parted company.
Apparently he had gone immediately back to Michelle's apartment to see if he could smooth things out because when I got there I heard Ed's voice coming from the living room.
I knocked on the door and strangely enough Michelle answered the door. She stood behind the plate glass window in her front door. I said, 'I don't know why you have to throw me out. I do care about you, you know.'. All she said was that she didn't think that she could 'do it' with me. I had no response. asked her why she couldn't open the door. She did.
I asked her for a light. She acted perturbed, but went a book of matches. When she came back she said she couldn't rightfully give up her education to come with me. She asked me why I wasn't in school. I told her briefly about my father usurping my finances.
She said that that was too bad, but she really couldn't help me.
She began to get uncomfortable and told me to go back to the Dells, she really couldn't help me. Suddenly she got up. I decided to retreat and cordially told her goodbye. Before I said goodbye I told her that she was a reincarnation of Mary Magdalenah and I was a reincarnation of Jesus Christ. She said 'Thank you' and looked pleased. That was a peculiar reaction to something that was obviously quite outrageous.
I had thought about the clairvoyance around a woman that I didn't even know and thought to myself that this woman must mean something to me from the past. Why would I be vibrantly clairvoyant about a particular person I didn't even know?? She resembled what you would think Mary Magdalenah the prostitute would be in modern times. She was actually pursuing sometimes eight guys in one night. I counted!
Initially I decided to go back to the Dells. I really didn't get down to the meat of the situation like I had wanted to, but she didn't seem to comprehend what had happened to me and was at a loss as to what to do. So was I.
I went roaming around town for a while and then decided that I had to try again to get through to her. I remembered the letter that I had mailed to her from Key West and went back to try again.
Knocking at the door, I thought about what I would say. Michelle came to the door. I told her that I had something important to say to her before I went back to the Dells and asked if I could come in. She said, yes, and let me in. Carol was there.
We all sat down and I asked her if she got the letter that I sent to her from Key West. She said that she had and I asked her if she still had it. At first she said yes, but then gave a worried look to Carol and shook her head and said no.
I told her what I had told her in the letter. I said that we were on the threshhold of a dream and that she and I were the
biggest players in that dream. That the world was getting to a point where something of purport must happen and that I believed God would take a personal hand in what was to come.
I didn't think that, at that time, I could with any confidence tell her that the songs on the radio were for us, but I tried to introduce her to the fact that I was clairvoyant about her. She said that she didn't believe in clairvoyance. I didn't know what to say to convince her of how much it meant to me. I wanted to tell her about the band Sackweed and the mesmerization that occurred, but I didn't think that she would even consider it.
She asked me if I was through. Painfully I said yes and left for the Dells.
When I got back to the Dells I began to monitor the radio again. Several new songs had just been released. YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET by Bachman-Turner Overdrive, CAN'T GET ENOUGH by Bad Company and DON'T LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON ME by Elton John:
I have since gotten the album DON'T LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON ME was from. There is a song off it which fits and describes my very thoughts about Michelle and the circumstances I found myself in back then. The song is called I'VE SEEN THE SAUCERS. Understanding the song is vital to my story. It is a musical rhapsody. I really don't see what's Satanic about it, but bear with me, I know that God is behind it all.
I immediately decided to try going to LaCrosse again hopefully with more positive results. I had come to the conclusion that there was too much pain in the world and that God would join us and the world if I could convince her and get her to fall in love with me.
Again, I took the bus. I got there at the same time I had gotten there before, about 3:00 p.m. I decided to purchase a rose with the last money that I had. I wasn't worried about my own comfort. I hardly cared.
I walked all the way across town to a florist and bought a single rose and had it wrapped. Then I headed for Michelle's again. On the way there I thought to her. I told her to chase all her girlfriends out of the apartment so that when I got there we could be alone. I had tremendous confidence that she would hear me telepathically and chase the girls out. I continued to walk. When I got there, I walked in. I didn't see anyone. The two doors to the girl's bedrooms were open and I looked in and found no one there. I was impressed.
As I walked into the hallway to the kitchen, I saw Michelle
sitting there alone and looking right at me. I was satisfied that she had chased everyone out and walked confidently towards her. This telepathy and synchronicity thing is mind boggling for me, but I would assume that the other girls were just gone at the time without her chasing them out. I mean she certainly didn't read my mind and consciously chase them out in preparation for me. Telepathy is almost purely subconscious. I guess it was just another startling coincidence.
She was smiling and got up out of her chair and ran towards me with her lips parted and her arms outstretched to greet me. I was amazed and deeply gratified.
But when she got real close to me, she turned her head away and just stood there. I just stood there and tried to decide what to do. I had seen an episode of Bonanza where Little Joe was having trouble getting close to a girl he thought he loved. He took her turned head in his hand and gave her a good strong kiss. Then there was the well known first kiss of Rhett and Scarlett. I had always thought that I liked those scenes, but here I couldn't see it as our first kiss. I wanted it to be sooooo, gentle and loving and intense, but not like this intenseness. I just stood there and waited for her to do something different. Maybe she was Scarlett, but I wasn't thinking like Rhett.
She turned away, I put my hand gently on her shoulder and threw the single rose down on the table in front of her. She looked at it for a second and then turned quickly around and sat down in her chair. During this whole time I noticed someone else in the room. There was a girl seated across from Michelle at the table.
Michelle immediately asked me if I had knocked. I said, 'Noooo??!'. Then she put her hands in a gesture describing a large pile of letters and said, 'I get this many letters from different guys!!'. I said, 'So what!#*!?!.' She asked me what I came there for. I told her that I wanted to tell her that the music on the radio was between she and I. She said that she thought that the songs were written for everybody. I replied that, yes, they were for everybody, but at the same time they were written, 'For me, from me to you and for you, from you to me.' 'They were written from me to you and from you to me.'
Then she said, 'Do you remember what you told me about the ping pong ball?'. I replied, 'Oh, yeah. I said that I felt like a ping pong ball refering to the situation of being between you and Jackie.
She must have thought that what I said was too unbelievable and wanted vengeance on me for being married to Jackie when we first met. She got up and walked out as her girlfriend, Jane, took over the conversation. As she left, I didn't know whether to call for her to come back or not, but I decided that I would wait and see what came out on the radio.
The girl at the table introduced herself as Jane Wellhouse (what a name!). Jane said that she knew of another guy who thought he had been in touch with spiritual things and that she
didn't know what to think of him. I said that these were spiritual times. We continued to talk after Michelle left and Carol came in. She said, 'Oh, you again.'. I told her that I had my reasons. She said, 'You know the police are coming.' I told her that I didn't care.
The police came and kicked me out; I went without a fight. My pride had been ruined many times in this whole affair. I felt that significant things had happened to me over Michelle, but my words and fervour seemed to fall on deaf ears. I walked around town and went to a bar downtown. I really didn't know what to do.
The magical experiences and the lyrics that I had been listening to during those years and the coincidences were real to me, but a great deal of time would have to be spent telling the stories before someone would begin to understand what I believed. It wasn't your ordinary good story, but it was a good story.
Just before the sun went down, I headed back to Michelle's apartment for one last try. She made me wait outside for a long time before she let me in. While I was standing there outside her house waiting several of the guys came over and we talked.
One of Ed's housemates, Mike, seemed to be the most intelligent one. He gave me a grilling in religion and philosophy and I think I impressed him with my intelligence and study. I knew a lot of things that he wasn't aware of. The guys went inside to speak with Michelle.
Finally, Ed came out and said that they had convinced Michelle to hear me out. I went inside and sat down at the end of the couch where her girlfriends were sitting. The guys were against the wall opposite the couch. Michelle presided over the affair in a wicker chair with a large round back at the end of the living room between the guys and the gals. She resembled a cold, reigning Queen.
The first thing she said was why did you come again. I said that I had become convinced that I was someone special and so was she. Then she angrily asked me why I was married before. I said, 'Because I loved her.'
"Didn't realize that Jackie had been stirring up trouble and lying again.
She instantly stated that she had called the police on me. I didn't know what to do. Ed and the guys just looked at me. I think that Ed kind'a liked me because, just as the girls were going to turn me in to the police, he said that I could come over to his house and stay overnight with his friends. We headed out to his place.
As I left, Michelle was standing in the hall looking angry with her arms crossed tensely over her chest. I poked her gently in the stomach as I passed and smiled. I was amused with this whole situation, particularly Michelle's peculiar reactions. I was really in love with her.
When we got to Ed's, the guys brought out a pipe and we smoked and chatted about what Ed and the guys thought of Michelle. Marijuana was the thing with college students at that time. I knew that it was safer than alcohol. He said that she
was really a dumb chic and she was always flirting with all the guys. He was trying to convince me that she wasn't worth it.
After we partied a while and I told him about the experiences in Key West and the clairvoyance, we went to bed. I think that they were wondering about the unusual ordeals that I had gone through for this girl they knew and wondered what they would do with me.
They ended up letting me stay with them for approximately two months while I waited for Michelle to recognize me.
The next morning, I got up and sat around the house. Ed said that I could use the stereo if I wanted to. He had quite a collection of albums, but I wanted to intrude as little as possible so I didn't take him up on his invitation too much.
In the afternoon Ed was telling me how loose and dumb Michelle was and how the guys in the bars would try to get her drunk by buying her beers. He said that she was always looking for attention and always expected the guys to say 'Hi' even though he said that most of the guys couldn't take her seriously.
He said he balled (had sex with) her in 'that room over there' and he pointed to the room adjoining the living room. I asked him if she was good. Basically he was trying to tell me that I was a real fool for a coquettish woman. It didn't matter, I already knew that.
Mike came in later that afternoon and told me that Michelle had once run up to him and asked him if he wanted to ball her. He said that he had said 'No'. He said she didn't even know him when she asked him to ball her and he had found the whole situation embarrassing.
I already knew that she was a loose chic, but it made me wonder why a lawyer's daughter of such beauty would flaunt herself all over the place instead of securing her future and seriously looking for a relationship. I wasn't one who ordinarily wanted a woman of that looseness; at least not that loose!
I had not begun to look at the black robotoid idea yet. Many of us, at the Millennium have a blackened consciousness. It is the only way these behaviors could be manifested.
The living room was empty after Mike's schpeel and I had heard an album by Gregg Allman called LAID BACK. I truly was. I put the record on and wept openly at the song QUEEN OF HEARTS. It is a beautiful and thoroughly touching song. MIDNIGHT RIDER was played over and over again at the Cell Block. I really didn't know where to start. I still don't.
We Are Going To Skip The Rest Of The Album...It Is Jeanine's For Me And 'Oz's For Michelle...He Went To See Her In La Crosse, Too.
There's no sadder album in the world.
LAID BACK was number 33 in the top 100 albums of the year 1974. It did quite well considering few people knew of Gregg Allman at the time. Album rock was just beginning to become popular. And, of course, I'm also bound for Rome even though I'm not a Catholic. I've always felt teary when I listen to it. I feel teary now as I read it. Rock and roll is filled with religious messages. I'm hoping that this book will give you a new perspective on 'Rock'.
I got up and put the radio back on. My favorite Graham Nash song was playing; I USED TO BE A KING from his SONGS FOR BEGINNERS LP. I believe he is the reincarnation of King Nebuchadnezzar who had the hanging gardens of Babylon to his credit, but the Hebrews or Jews write he was turned into an Ox and had to eat grass...
It's the loneliest steel playing in the business.
When the song wasn't quite over, Ed came in and asked me if I had played the album. The radio was on. Obviously, I had not.
I stayed there a couple of more days, then, one afternoon, Michelle came over to drop something off with Mike. She stormed in and gave him a brown manila envelope. Then she angrily turned toward me and told me that I should go back to the Dells. I said equally upset that I would and crushed out my cigarette in the ashtray that was in front of me.
She left and when she left we were watching the MATCH GAME on T.V. and all the stars answered 'Bananas!' except one who answered "Crazy!". That was exactly how I felt about the situation.
Ed was as good a fan of the Allman Brother's Band as I was. They were introduced many times as the greatest band in the world and Ed and I agreed. I had played slide guitar to their albums many times. When the young men from my former high school came to me to organize a band and we played at the high school
homecoming, we played all of the Allman Brother's greatest songs. I played slide and sang.
He immediately put the live version of WHIPPING POST on his huge stereo. I listened for a while and then started to cry. I was very hurt with the way things had turned out between Michelle and I. I walked out to the kitchen and sat on the back porch and cried miserably. WHIPPING POST was so loud that I could hear it clearly on the porch. I raised my fist and exclaimed, 'You!!' to the whole struggling world. I thought to myself that everyone was a hero as tears rolled down my face.
The song is a long unyielding, driving instrumental with two drummers on seperate drum sets. It's the best rock you will ever hear. The song is twenty-two minutes and forty seconds long! From LIVE AT FILLMORE EAST:
When the song was over, I got up and walked back in the living room wiping away the tears. Ed met me there. He suggested that I go to say goodbye to Michelle. He didn't think that she'd mind. I headed to her apartment.
As I was walking I saw a garden with cock's combs in it. I picked the best one to give to Michelle. It was hers.
I got to her apartment and Carol let me in immediately. That was a good sign. Michelle was sitting in a far corner of the couch below the peacocks. I walked up to her and asked her if I could have a cigarette, gave her the cock's comb and acted like I wanted to sit next to her on the couch.
She said yes to the cigarette, but pointed defensively, as if she were pointing to the door, to the chair furthest away from her. That was disappointing. I sat down and lit up a cigarette. She asked me what the flower was that I gave her and sniffed it and then winced when I told her it was a cock's comb. A cock's comb had no scent to speak of. Then she ignored me.
She was talking to one of her girlfriends and I listened and wondered why she wouldn't talk to me. I was pissed off with her behavior, but, at the same time, I wondered if I should try to talk to her myself. I had come to understand that there was something powerful between us that was bigger than we were.
I smoked silently and looked at her. She was so very pretty; I thought about what we had been through and wished that the circumstances were different. If only she knew that I wasn't crazy. I was crazy about her. I thought about my father and his denial of my $8,000.00 in self-earned college finances ruining my dreams of getting into politics and trying to change the world.
When I finished the smoke, I abruptly lit another. She saw me light it and told me to leave. I continued to smoke. We furiously stared each other down for about ten seconds and then the young man sitting on the other end of the couch spoke up and said 'Didn't you hear the lady?'. I didn't say a word and stared him down as he said, 'So there's only one way, huh!?' (He was referring to my presumed assumption that I was the Christ. I really wasn't sure what I was, but I was willing to experiment after what happened in Key West and after the clairvoyant dream involving Michelle!)
He got up and said he was going to call the police. Michelle got up and followed him out of the living room. I didn't even know this guy. I got up and followed Michelle. She noticed and turned around and smiled at me a big smile. I really couldn't figure her out, but she couldn't figure me out either.
When we all got to the kitchen, the guy was already on the phone. Michelle walked a few steps into the kitchen and then turned around and walked toward me looking like she was going to walk into me and kiss me. I wasn't in the mood. Again, I telepathically thought to her, 'Aren't you going to resist me!?'. She appeared to hear it and stopped coming toward me. She backed up for a second and I leaned closer to the wall to let her through. I don't think that she wanted to walk past me again, but I was giving her clues that she should walk by me. She walked by me very upset. I turned around shortly and went back into the living room and put on THE CONTINUING STORY OF BUNGALOW BILL from the Beatles WHITE ALBUM. It was the first side of her album and went directly without a break into WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS.
Today, while I'm writing this, is the twentieth day of October 1987. The stock markets around the world are crashing. I feel danger. The whole world is unstable and in pain. I have determined that the God we worship is perhaps an evil God. He
would like to be more evil than he appears; doing nothing. Men are like dumb, egocentric werewolves and women are like rabbits. Maybe that's why Hefner calls women bunnies and women call men wolves (of course women are soft on men because they are like rabbits). The only way to save the starving and dying African children is if there is reincarnation or a heaven, but how does an African baby continue to be alive after death. God has not given us the answer and I know he exists and we live within him. It's an ugly and foolish world with an evil God until he proves differently. He's the one who says if you call a man a fool you will be in danger of hell fire. I think the whole world is foolish.
The stock market has been historically a place of temporal speculation. Owners of the companies own temporally the corporations they wish to invest in. I don't feel that ownership of anything that important should have been temporal. I think that owners and speculators in the stock markets of the world should be and should have been contracted for investment. It may take some of the thrill out of investment, but it would obviously put stability into the economies of the world. It's tremendous risk for the sake of the profit of a priviledged few wolves.
It fell because of a slight rise in the interest rate. It shouldn't have happened. The transactional economy is stronger than it's ever been.
{and that was an outburst of my temper! I care. And I worry.}
Back to the story:
Of course some of the women are like Michelle? Coquettes. It is a French word. Look it up if you don't know the meaning.
Two police came and walked up to me in the living room. They were both large men over two hundred pounds. They told me to get up. I wanted them to read me my rights first like they were legally bound to. They didn't. Instead, they grabbed for my shoulders. The police were illegal then. Many are now. It's a shame they can't stop from tarnishing a respectable image.
I shot up and broke away from their grasp and sat down in a chair and put up my feet. They grabbed my feet and straddled my legs; one on one side and one on the other.
Instantly my eyes could only see an intense white light and I could feel my legs suddenly part like a steel scissors. There was a crash of broken glass. When I could see again, one policeman had been thrown against the wall on my right hand side
and the other's ass was hanging outside the second story window and he was holding on to my leg in desperation on my left.
Eventually they were able to contain me and haul me outside and put me in the police car. They took me to the jail and put me in a cell with some other guys. It was the first time I had ever been in jail or locked up except the sleeping on the beach violation in Fort Lauderdale.
When I walked into the cellblock, the guard called a guy's name. A guy got up from the table, where some tough looking guys were playing spades, and told me to take his hand. I said sure, but explained that I didn't know how to play. I had been dealt a Boston. We took all of the tricks. How fortunate! The first game of spades I ever played and we were dealt a Boston. I thought that it was another good omen. My luck at cards and other gambling games has always been that good!
I was sentenced to 30 days in jail for assaulting a police officer. They weren't hurt and they didn't arrest me legally. Police many times abuse the law and innocent people become victims. I wasn't totally innocent, but they should have read me my rights before grabbing me and I would've gone without a fight!
Jail. It was now October. A new song had just been releaded by the rock and roll band Queen. Their chorus of lead guitars and choruses of the voice of Freddie Mercury taped on top of himself many times became a Rock standard. The song was from the album SHEER HEART ATTACK. The song, of course made me think of you know who.
This Couldn't Be Michelle, She Was Already Born During The Cuban Missle Crisis. In Order For Jeanine To Be Born, President Kennedy And Premier Khruschev Had To Find A Remedy!!!
Here, at the Millennium, I AM seriously considering how many of us are black consciousness robotoids. Freddie Mercury??? Was Michelle always a black consciousness???
"I AM a believer!!!"
I met quite a few criminal types while I was in jail. One guy and I made up a dice throwing board. I was extremely lucky and won almost every time. I guess jail wasn't that bad. The food wasn't very good, but it was edible. A couple of guys burned their sheets and it caused a lot of smoke. Because of their escapades, they took away our matches. My parents came and told me that they had gone to Michelle's
apartment and paid for the broken window and met Michelle. I thought that that was good, but they said that Michelle had told them that she didn't want to see me any more.
There was a major song that they were playing on the LaCrosse radio station they pumped into the jail cells. It originally came out in 1970, the year I graduated from high school. It was called IF YOU COULD READ MY MIND by Gordon Lightfoot:
Here, at the Millennium, when my computer keyboard won't type right and the incorporeal is mistyping what I type; intentionally; through the computer wires. One of it's robotoids just said something nasty outside my window so I could hear it's violent, angry tone.
"I AM convinced that the GOD is a female Universal Mind and has been stalking this planet and it's people the entirety of the time preceding our present Millennium."
"It is either a sarcastic Male or an abusive Female."
"Either way, It IS Female."
"Apparently IT Spits selectively, like it just did as I AM typing, now, and intends all of us harm."
"IT Cannot Tolerate It's Good Folks."
"It has been stalking me with these black consciousness daughters and Jeanine, my black consciousness wife."
"It cannot handle it up there in Nirvana."
"It is incessantly assaulting us."
"We are It's self-abusive robots."
"It is a Non-Being which does not respect life."
"There is No Jehovah Incorporeally."
"I AM the only Jehovah in the Universe."
"It is manipulative; like a female."
"We live inside of the Devil's Universal Female Mind."
"Be Aware."
"She Is All Around Us."
"And Manipulative."
"And Abusive."
"Whether Legal Or Illegal."
I hoped that Michelle had heard the song being played. It was played often on the Top 40 radio station in LaCrosse. I mailed her a letter with the lyrics to the song in it and told her to listen to the music on the radio and that it was written for us. I actually wrote her many, many times from this point on. I must have sent her about twenty letters explaining what I thought was going on. {Obviously Writing To A Black Robot Is Useless.} I felt that it was a good idea. If I couldn't get through verbally, then maybe reading it would help her to understand and take me seriously. Another one of the reasons that I thought that the music was written between us was because of a song by Neil Diamond which was released at the time I was in jail for thirty days. The song was called LONGFELLOW SERENADE. I interpret it perhaps a bit differently, but I think you will see that it did fit the story and I felt that it was an introduction to what was to come.
I felt that there was room for speculation. I speculated that God had been and would 'weave his web of rhyme upon our summer night'. Neil Diamond was asking him to. I feel that this whole book is a beautiful lyrical fantasy with lyrics and music fitting and deserving the title Longfellow Serenade. I was in
such a state that I remember the lyrics to many of the songs I quote, but I'm truly amazed that I could remember this one and the one before: IF YOU COULD READ MY MIND.
Longfellow is one of the greatest poets ever in the world or perhaps in the universe, but the lyricists are composing something even more complicated music with meaning. It just flows from the musicians and lyricists, but does it have some special meaning? Has God composed this world of ours? Many people have wondered! I hope I have written this clearly enough that you will see my point of view. {This Was Before The Millennium And What I Have Been Able To Deduce.}
After my thirty days were almost over, I got Huber Law priviledges and was able to go out searching for a job. Of course the first place I went was Michelle's.
Again, I walked in without knocking. The girls had chimes set up to ring whenever someone came in the door so they knew when I was entering uninvited. I walked to the living room entrance. When I came in, Michelle was just preparing to go to class and was sitting on the couch below the peacocks. She looked depressed and sad.
When I walked in, she didn't say anything to me, but gathered her books and walked by me. As she walked by, I noticed what I perceived to be a hickey on her cheek. I asked her what it was and she touched it and said, 'A zit!#?*#!!', implying that I was a zit.
As she was going out the door, I asked her if I could play some records on her stereo. Surprisingly enough she said yes. I immediately decided to take a look around. On her turntable was an album, TRES HOMBRES by Z-Z Top, that they must have played the night before. There was a fresh cigar sitting in the ashtray. I wondered if she had been partying while I was sitting in jail.
TRES HOMBRES was a key album. It had just come out. I didn't know some of the lyrics at the time, but I knew most of it. I wondered what she possibly could've thought listening to it. She knew that I thought that I was the Christ. She was French. A lot of the lyrics I had to guess at except JESUS JUST LEFT CHICAGO and WAITIN' FOR THE BUS. I'll let you know what lyrics I'm unsure of. The rest of the lyrics are sure. Here are the lyrics:
This Is What My OCR Did, The Song Is Master Of Sparks:
"I Wonder How Many Have Barâ-t In Rio De Janeiro???!!!"
"The Pope Apparently Has It."
"I Hope My Former Brother Has Conscious Light Like I Do!!!?!"
The Casting Sparks Adventure Is Earlier In The Book. I Will Try To Remember It, Here.
"We had just moved into our new two story house with a Spanish Balcony around the entire second floor. It was enormous for $130/Month. We got there and suddenly, it was ours!!!"
"Leroy wnated to celebrate with his mind-expanding drugs. I was skeptical, but brave {or foolish} enough to try. Pretty soon I was tripping heavily on LSD."
"We went to Jim's. Jim was a navy man at the Base in Key West."
"I was sitting there in front of his Krsnä/Arjuna chariot poster and he was saying something denigrating towards me about Krsnä."
"I was getting angry and could feel a subconscious pressure building up in my brain."
"It felt like semi-violent energy needing release."
"I suddenly turned my head to the left, and there was this enormous spark right over Leroy's electric guitar amplifier!!!?! The spark was three feet long and just snapped and at the same time I could feel a discharge of energy from the back of my neck and brain!!!!"
"Jim got really worried and ran upstairs to see if there was something wrong up there. When he came back down, he said that the discharge had brought a woman upstairs, who was deep in a meditative trance, out of her trance suddenly and she was full of consternation."
"I thought it was probably me, but saw no danger."
"I still remained skeptical, though, about hallucinogens, and, after Key West, have only tripped three more times because friends wanted me to."
"I Do Not buy the stuff anymore."
"Back to a very abusive female."
Michelle and Carol had left and I decided to look through their album collection and play something appropriate. I took the Z-Z Top album off and looked through her album collection and found NILSSON SCHMILSSON an album by Harry Nilsson. I started on the second side; the first song on the second side was WITHOUT YOU a most moving song about lost love.
Then Carol came in in a huf and turned the stereo off. She said that Michelle wanted me to leave. I got up and left. Before I left, I asked Carol if she had read any of the letters that I had written to Michelle about the lyrics being written by God specifically for the two of us. She said that she had read something like that. I told her that I was really quite serious about what I had written and Michelle should keep in mind what I had written her.
I couldn't find a job even though I looked everywhere. When I was released, I went to Ed's house and asked them if I could come in. He said sure and was very nice. It surprised me and I thanked him.
I had been thinking that I could talk to my father and get my college money and go to school in LaCrosse. I called him and proposed the idea. He agreed, said it was alright and came down to pick me up.
When we were driving home about a mile outside of LaCrosse he told me about the conditions he would put me under if I went to school. I didn't want him to run my life and told him that I was twenty-two and could handle my money myself. He argued with me. Finally, I told him to pull over and left the car to walk back to LaCrosse. My father certainly was treating me like a child and I wasn't going to take it. Apparently he didn't find his son trustworthy with his own self-earned-and-saved college
money. I felt insulted, but it led to what I perceived to be the greater reality of Michelle and I, and, I felt, God and synchronicity.
I spent another few days at Ed's constantly going to Michelle's apartment and asking for her. The reason I was so adamant was because of the Arab Oil Embargo and the stock market. The Arab Oil Embargo was threatening to bleed the economy and there was a panic on Wall Street. Ed even talked to me about it.
It may have seemed silly then, but I didn't have any faith in the economic system we lived under. Now, my actions, then, are more believable. I don't think that anyone, now, trusts the American economic system. It was acting unstably, then, as it is now, only then they had a good reason to be worried. Now, the only thing that has people selling stock is the government debt and worries about inflation. What if we had an oil embargo now. Wall Street would crash! And, after much study, I think that reaction is a false evaluation of a basically strong economy.
One day she left me standing outside her door and I was calling loudly, 'Michelle have a heart. I love you Michelle.' over and over again. I felt like a fool, but I was willing to do anything to get her to listen to me.
That night I waited all night for her on the stairwell. I just lay there. She had some friends over late that night. And when she went to bed she said, 'Play something soothing.'. I didn't feel soothed at all. I was tired and beaten. I had no shoes and it wad winter. All I had was a pair of moccasins which had holes in the soles.
The following night, Ed invited me to go to a Marshall Tucker concert that was going to go on at the Mary Sawyer Arena in LaCrosse. He said that Michelle would be there. I said sure. I had just gotten a check for $50.00 from Jimmie's and I thought that maybe Ed had talked to Michelle and she had told him that she would be with me that night.
The afternoon of the concert, I came in from McDonalds and one of the guys had put up the Wall Street Journal on the wall in the living room. On it was written in red magic marker, 'Will the Stock Market Crash?.'
Around six, I went to a liqour store and bought two bottles of Mateus. I offered Ed and the guys some, but they said no and bought their own. I was apprehensive. Ed was acting peculiar that night. I went into the kitchen to see what was going on and found Ed eating beans with a knife. I went back out into the living room and waited.
Then they left for the concert without me. I wondered what this was going to be about. I thought that the stock market situation and the situation between Michelle and I was serious enough to possibly necessitate violence, so I took a cheese knife from the kitchen. I walked to the concert alone.
When I got there, Ed and the guys were seated in the middle of the arena and looked like they were having a good time. Ed looked like he was getting drunk before the concert began. I had had only one bottle of Mateus, because the other one broke. I
had planned to bring it for Michelle and I.
I walked over to where they were sitting and noticed that Michelle was sitting behind them. I sat down near Michelle, but didn't get close to her. I kept looking at her and expected her to come over and talk.
Finally she got an evil look in her eye. She got up and walked away just as the concert was beginning. I sat where I was for a while and then got up to search for her. I found Ed drunk and sitting behind the crowd drinking a bottle of wine. I couldn't find Michelle so I just stood behind the crowd and waited. Why, after all I had done, wouldn't she finally talk to me at least? I felt truly lost and insulted.
After about 30 minutes, I saw Michelle sitting with one of Ed's housemates. It looked like she was doing all of the talking. I sadly watched them and realized how little Michelle actually cared about me or the situation that I thought we were in. She was acting totally irresponsibly. Then they got up and headed back to the group. They were all standing now and it was getting towards the end of the concert. Michelle stood with her girlfriends. Then I saw a tall blonde guy coming up from the front of the group. He was someone I had never seen before. He walked behind Michelle and started to rub her bottom while they were standing there. That was the last straw. I began to cry and call to Michelle loudly. This went on for a short time until Michelle heard me yelling. She looked worriedly at me as if she was hurt and then, on her tiptoes, told the guy something. He left. The final song was being played; WILL THE CIRCLE BE UNBROKEN.
When the band stopped playing, Michelle made a bee-line for the door. I tried to catch up with her, but lost her in the crowd. I was dejected.
I went back to Ed's place and knocked. Ed came to the door and drunkenly and extremely abusively told me that I couldn't stay there. I asked him where I was supposed to stay and he said he didn't care. He railed at me as I left. I went to Michelle's.
I decided to wait for her to come home and see if she would let me stay there. So that she wouldn't enter the house without my seeing her, I sat in the dark on the back porch where I could see the front and the back area. She and Carol came in the back way. I guess they expected me to be there. My hunch was correct.
When they saw me, I got up and asked to talk to Michelle. She gave me the coldest look that resembled the vision in the house in Nekoosa, only this time I knew that I was at the bottom of her list and she wasn't going to come back to me. I followed Carol and her up the stairs, calling after her as they ran. They shut the door in my face and I stood there for a moment calling for Michelle to let me in. She said coldly to Carol, 'Call the police.' I left hopelessly. All my love was in vain and to a great extent it was because of my behavior which happened because of the circumstance I
thought that we were in. I was decisive with her. I felt like my getting us together wouldn't mean anything after what I'd been through, but she apparently couldn't take me seriously. I thought that it was life or death; do or die. God had given us no foothold. {Now, I Wonder Just How Many Of Us Still Have The Light of Life.?.} I headed for downtown and I figured that I had better get a room somewhere. My feet were cold and I was fatigued. I got a ride from this friendly guy and I told him about Michelle. He was willing to drive me past her place. There was a lonely light on in her bedroom. I saw it as we drove past and figured she must be up with the girls, but I decided that I had better get a room at a cheap hotel. I did and spent the night fretting until I fell asleep. {Are 'They' All Abusive Partying Women...Even The Males??? Apparently, Folks.} I didn't sleep very well. I had been thinking about the KABBALAH book The Universal Meaning Of The Kabbalah and what it had said about the Messiah and his mate. It said that they would be an Aries and a Taurus. I was a Taurus and Michelle was an Aries. I realize that that is fairly loose association, but I was thinking about the pain in the world and how I felt that I had to be responsible. The KABBALAH books also talked about how we would all be joined together as one being of holy light and bliss. I thought of the starving and the tortured people who have only pain for an existence and figured that in joining sexually with Michelle perhaps the holy consumation would occur with the will of God and the world would evaporate and die into a universal ecstasy. That's pretty bizarre, but it made sense after what I had read in both the Kabbalah and the Mahabharata. And after my experience in Key West where the leader of the band came out to the microphone and started singing 'Jesus Christ is here! Jesus Christ is here!' at the top of his lungs. The KABBALAH said everyone would die to the light of God at the consumation of the Messiah. I didn't find it hard to believe. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. alone. I turned on the radio and the first song that came on was I AM... SAID I by Neil Diamond. In the KABBALAH it said that the holy name of God was I AM. The song fit my emotions and I felt that I had to do something drastic to bridge the gap between us. Neil Diamond has written several gospel-like songs. He published through Prophet music.
I was cold and crying a little. I couldn't let her leave. Not after what I felt she meant to me. I felt that I should sacrifice myself at Michelle's feet and also show her how upset I was. I thought of the song
This was an obvious rape song. I wondered why Led Zeppelin would write an obvious rape song before they were inspired to write STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN, but I had been humilitated by Michelle. Ethically everyone was wrong. If I cared about them, I couldn't walk away. She definitely wasn't in her right mind to do the things she did and not to hear me out. She wasn't much of a help at all and I began to feel what rapists must feel before they attack. I had no intention of raping her. I thought that it was beyond me, but here I was; abandoned by someone I thought I may have known from the past. {I didn't realize that she was formerly Jeaine's and my daughter.} I thought, by her behavior, she was a reincarnation of Mary Magdalenah, the
Michelle, now, meant more to me than anything else. {At That Time. My GOD!? My Former Daughter!!!?. How Depressing.} I couldn't let her desert me. She wasn't even slightly aware of what had happened to me. Then I walked up the stairs and stood silently in front of her apartment's door.
I thought about the mess that the world was in and how I felt that God was responsible for the starving children and the pain and suffering which are a part of life for most people. I could see absolutely no hope for the world if the stock market crashed and here we were caught between everything. I didn't feel that, with the starving children, there was any room to wait.
I thought about my love for Michelle and how I felt that I should lay my life down for her. The only way to do that was to commit a crime. I wasn't a rapist, but I thought that only God and I would know that, if it looked like what I was doing was a rape. After what I had come, to understand about us and she wanting to leave, I felt that jail was the only place I should be. {Obviously, This Was Pointless If She had No Consciousness. I AM Reading This Again After Many Years And Experience With Jeanine And Her Boys. No One Could Be This Senseless, Abusive To One Guy And Still Have Consciousness. Are All The Nazis This Way. Were The Germans black consciousness, Also??? Probably, Folks!!!}
I thought about 'Oz' and his obvious love for her. I did not know, then, that, apparently, he was my former Welsh grandson and he married Michelle, who was Jeanine's and my former Welsh daughter. I had no idea of these things, but was at all times psychically motivated to either get Michelle to recognize 'Oz' and tell her about him being possibly Krsnä and I Arjuna in India and she Radharani Krsnä's consort or to get her to recognize me and escort me through the theoretically reincarnated people we would encounter. I was true to 'Oz' and myself.
I thought about the way she flaunted herself sexually while she put me down, how she told me that she loved me in her living room. I could have broken down her door and tried to reason with her. That would have suited me better, but I didn't think she would have been reasonable or would she have believed me. {No Consciousness, Obviously.} I got the feeling that behind my back she may have been belittling me to her friends. I was afraid that she would just put me away and forget about me. I thought of breaking down her door and spanking her, but I figured that she wouldn't take me seriously if I did that either. {Her Consciousness Was This Bad!.} I really didn't know what to do.
I felt that she had personally abused me and decided that I would put her down sexually. I didn't really know what I was going to do beyond that. I felt lost and abandoned. This was totally out of character for me, but I was doing it. {This Is Where I Was Sucked In And Got Senseless. I Wonder What She Married??? Jeanine. Stephen. Married To An Abusive Zombie??? Apparently, Folks.}
I began to try and break the glass in her front door by pounding on it with my fist. As I pounded on the window in the door, I thought of all the pain and misery in the world and that it was obviously going to get worse if something wasn't done soon, I know it sounds rather insane, but I thought about forcing God's hand. I also thought that perhaps the starship people would rescue us as I pounded on the window. I thought about 'Oz' and how he seemed like the proper man for her, above me. I was desperate.
I couldn't seem to break it, it was double-thick plate glass. I kept pounding and finally gave it one last pound and it broke. I hesitated for a moment. It became obvious to me that no one was to help me. My adrenaline gland was active. I took the locks off the door and walked in.
When I got to Michelle's room, I tried the door, but it wouldn't open. I thought that the door was locked, but when I pushed it a little harder, it opened a bit and I realized that Michelle was inside leaning with her weight on the door. I moved it open, took out the cheese knife, and placed it across Michelle's neck. I had no intention of using it to harm anyone, but said, 'Don't move or I'll kill you!'. She said to Carol, 'Call the police!'. Carol left.
I threw Michelle on the bed and threw the knife away above her head on the bed. I looked at her a while, then I tried to kiss her. Instantly, she bit my tongue. I recoiled slightly in pain and then raked my tongue painfully through her tightly clenched teeth.
After that, she picked up from behind her head the knife and held it up to me as if she was going to use it against me. I looked at the knife, then looked at her, then looked at the knife, then looked at her. Then I reached out and took the knife by the blade. She let go. Why, I don't know. {Unconscious???} I threw it over on Carol's bed. Then I looked at her again and decided to see what she would do now. She could've held me off with the weapon, but she gave that up.
Now, I took her panties in hand and began to try to take them off. It was obvious, now, that I wasn't going to use the knife, yet she bent her knees and let me take her panties off.
I was somewhat stunned. I'm sure she was, too. Why was she helping me take her panties off? What in the world was this confusing woman doing?
Then I whirled her around and stuck my bleeding hand between her legs and rubbed in imitation of the guy that she had allowed to rub her bottom in public the night before. First her legs sprang open, again it shocked me, and then she began to push herself off of the bed. I watched as she landed on her butt on the floor. The expression on her face finally showed her disgust with the whole thing. It totally made me feel guilty in what I was doing. I decided that I had done enough.
She sat there on the floor where she had landed without moving looking at me while I pulled down my pants. Then, after I had gotten my pants down, she sprang for the door. I grabbed her and threw her back in the room.
I was finished.
I walked out in the hall, stood there with my pants down and shook in humiliation and self disgust. I was disgusted with my situation, I was disgusted with what I had done, and I was disgusted with Michelle for helping to put me there. I was disgusted with God for neglecting the world.
I felt utterly bizarre and so did she, because she came up behind me and asked me, 'Where's all the blood coming from!??' I looked and she was covered with little dots of my blood from my hand which was bleeding profusely. I was oblivious to it.
'I think ith' coming from my tongue,' I replied sarcastically and painfully.
She said, 'Oh, I'm sorry!!' and ran up to me and put her head on my shoulder.
I put my arms around
her. I didn't know why she did what she did, but I still felt love for her and I think she still felt love for me. She, in her haste to apologize, was apparently oblivious to what I had done; I was amazed and shocked but felt a powerful love for this woman of many divergent faces.
'Why did you do this??', she asked.
I said with my swollen tongue, 'Becauth I love you!!!.
She pulled out of my arms and said, 'Well, I don't love yooouuu???'. Starting out serious and then questioning her statement as if she wasn't sure.
My face fell completely. She saw my reaction, ended her statement with a questioning tone and came back into my arms.
I think she knew that I loved her drastically.
When she came back into my arms she looked into the living room where she had told me that she loved me a few days earlier, and then she put her head back on my shoulder.
We stood there for a half a minute or so and then I asked her, 'Would you go to bed with me?'
She backed away a step and got an evil look in her eye and said, 'Sure!
I have to go to the bathroom first!!
I just extended my arms to her, desperately beckoning her to come back into my arms. I thought that she had to be lying to me and only wanted to get away from me.
She came back into my arms and I held her there tenderly.
I declared loudly, 'Please be with me!' I was thinking of a song that I had heard from Duanne Allman's ANTHOLOGY album called PLEASE BE WITH ME. I stood there with her in my arms and her head resting on my shoulder for another couple of minutes. It was a silent love. Her head rested on my shoulder and my chest was heaving with exertion and anxiety
Then Carol shouted from the door, 'Michelle, the police are here!!!'.
Michelle wasn't sure whether she wanted to leave my arms or not for a fairly long time, then she turned around and walked in a daze from me into the next room and started crying miserably.
A young police officer leveled a gun at me. For an instant I thought that I may as well die and was going to walk towards him instead of backing into the kitchen like he told me to do, but then wondered what the world would do without me there. There would be no hope. Then I backed into the kitchen and lay on the floor.
As they took me out of the apartment, I could hear Michelle crying hysterically. I was ashamed of both of us, ashamed of God, and ashamed of the desperate situation that I had perceived
from the Rock and Roll lyrics. It fit, but I had to be crazy to think of it.
I was put in the police car and taken to the station. They booked me and I was put in a cell block alone. Apparently I was, now, considered a rapist. My plan had worked, my life would, now, be nothing. I hoped that God was satisfied ...............
When I got to my cell, I wept bitterly. I was so alone that I didn't even know why I was weeping. Nobody knew I was crying because I was in the cell block alone. I honestly didn't think that I had done the right thing, but I didn't know where God was in all this. I felt that he had abandoned Michelle, the world and I all in one breath. I was ashamed of him and myself. {But Is It A HIM???} {I AM The Physical Body Of HIM. Apparently. Christ Appeared To Me In Spirit And I Can Still See His Spirit In My Apartment Here. And In Saint Paul's Church Downtown!!!.}
Michelle was a tease and a coquette. But did she love me at least a little? She had come into my arms as if she did. But maybe she was confused. I felt strong feelings for her now more than ever and then again I didn't really know how I felt about her.
I still didn't think that I should've done what I did. I knew now from experience that I wasn't a rapist. I couldn't stand putting any woman in psychological pain. It just left me cold. I thought that we were both victims. Did I have to wait for more music? What was our status in all of this with God? I cried for a long time. I felt abandoned. Had God abandoned this planet??
I lay in my cell and listened to the radio, smoked cigarettes and nursed my swollen tongue for a week before I went to court. I still had hope, though. I'd like to recite to you the lyrics for the song PLEASE BE WITH ME. {This I'm Doing For Michelle And 'Oz' And Jeanine.} It is a pretty little song which came out after Duanne Allman died. I hoped that Michelle would read my signs. I can't remember if I mailed her the lyrics. If I didn't it was absent-minded on my part. I love this simple little song. I would ask you, also, to please be with me. It is a difficult book to accept, apparently.